he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
