I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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