what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize