matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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