If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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