Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The adults are the big ones right?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
