You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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