Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
