My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
