you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
