apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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