Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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