they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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