the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
