Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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