grandma shit on top of the toilet
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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