I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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