why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
