theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize