capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Your cock deserves a montage
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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