I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
