You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
