Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There's always time for handjobs
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
