She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Houston, we have a squirter
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
