i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
OPIZZABONMYDICK
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
