The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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