I wish I could punch you in the face.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
be right there i have to get my cape
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
