3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
