I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
