So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
