I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
