Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
