I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
