I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
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