Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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