I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
