you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
