I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize