Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We're too hungover to prance.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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