and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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