the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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