Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
