It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize