I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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