I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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