On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
you made out with another girl for some wings
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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