Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
