Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
