I feel like abortions should bother me more
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
