my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
