I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
