There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
