I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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