dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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