Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
