worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
