Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
