Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
