and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
