Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
