I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
