Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
