She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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