fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
