if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
