Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
